Grammar Is a Cruel Mistress, John Edwards

Folks around here are starting to get excited about the HISTORIC NEVADA CAUCUS! Actually, I'm not sure if that's true or not, but I know I'm excited. Mostly I'm excited because it's such a weird old-timey way of participating in the democratic process. No voting machines here! Just wait for the jug band to start playing, then walk toward your chosen candidate's gang. The band will play faster and faster, and when it stops, if you aren't in a gang, you get tarred and feathered. Yeee-haw! I kind of feel like the experience won't be complete unless there's a spelling bee or a recitation from Pilgrim's Progress. Shall I bring my own corn-shucker, or will one be provided for me? Shall I wear my straw boater and best striped woolen swimming cos-tume to the caucusery? I think I shall!

Last night I did my civic duty of watching the debate of the NBC-chosen candidates (no Kucinich, of course--not GE-friendly) with a couple of friends. Mostly we made fun of Tim Russert for asking stupid questions that had nothing to do with policy or platform or anything other than "Dood, I heard she totally said this thing about you, and I was like, what? So, seriously, like, what's your response? To that thing I heard she said?" But I was actually hoping to find out something--anything--about concrete proposals for change as opposed to soundbites about how much so-and-so loves freedom or families or God, so I paid attention and listened with all of my ears. This is what cost John Edwards my vote.

The candidates were good about pronouncing "Nevada" correctly, and they all seem well-educated, so they clearly have some awareness of proper word usage. But at some point Edwards said "I was literally fighting for my life" (or something, I think he was fighting for health insurance or something, but he for sure said he was "literally fighting"). Oh really, John Edwards? Did you LITERALLY fight? Did you engage in fisticuffs? No? Really? No wrestling or anything? No chest-bumping? Didn't literally fight? Then you can't use "literally"! You FIGURATIVELY fought! It's the OPPOSITE of literally! God damn it, America, have my constant complaints about the misuse of "literally" fallen on deaf ears all the way to Washington?

Okay, I wasn't really going to caucus for Edwards, but he double-lost my vote with his stupid literal fighting. I in fact plan on caucusing for my main man Dennis Kucinich--me and the other two ancient hippies living in my rich-ass precinct--which I guess means I'll make my totally futile symbolic stand for my non-viable candidate and then people who like Clinton and Obama will yell words at me until I close my eyes and pick one. God bless America.

You know who I wish was president? MORGAN FREEMAN.