A Grand Opening (of my MIND)

So a few weeks ago there was a GRAND OPENING in Reno, of this outdoor-type store Cabela's, and per usual a bunch of people lined up for hours and hours to get in. "This Cabela's must be some kind-a place!" you might be saying. Not so fast, say I. Or said Past Me.

I was dismissive of this grand opening because, as you may know, people in Reno really like lining up for things. Especially new things. P.F. Chang's was a pretty big deal--there were lines out the door for weeks. For, you know, P.F. CHANG'S. Ugh. You should have seen it when the first In-n-Out opened here. It was line pandemonium. So Cabela's? Pshaw, said Past Me! What is this so-called Cabela's anyway? To me it is nothing! Less than such, even! Good day to you, sir!

But then (here comes the TWIST!) my mom asked me to stop at Cabela's on my way home to California for Thanksgiving, because we needed a meat grinder for some last minute homemade sausage-making. So I did. And holy crap, you guys, it turns out Cabela's is pretty much the greatest place on earth. I was being That Guy, talking to a friend on my cell phone as I walked in the door, and I just stopped and gaped and boggled my eyes and tried to explain to my phone buddy what I was seeing.

"I SEE AN ELEPHANT? AN ELEPHANT! AND A LION...AND A HYENA AND A WARTHOG AND A HERD OF GEESE AND AN IBEX [which turned out to actually be an eland--MY BAD!] AND OMIGOD A RHINOCERSON AND A HIPPO AND THE HIPPO'S BOTTOM TEETH ARE ALL HUGE AND CURLED UP AND SOMEONE'S MAKING DUCK NOISES AND I THINK THAT'S A SHOOTING GALLERY OVER THERE!"

Then I just dropped the phone and flitted around looking at stuff, and it totally WAS a shooting gallery over there, and there were people making duck noises and looking at guns and camouflage as far as the eye could see, and I tell you what, Jack, I was proud to be an American. Because where the fuck else would you ever find someplace so amazing? It was like being inside Nicolas Cage's head. Not that he's necessarily into hunting or anything, but don't you suspect that maybe things in his head are a little more awesome than things outside of it? I rest my case.

Cabela's carries a respectable selection of meat grinders, as well as traditional salt-preserved hog casings. FYI.

This is the Best Craigslist Missed Connection I've Seen in a While

in airplane - m4w - 30 (reno)
We were on airplane together last january and you had somebody with you (may be your husband). He did not seem to be well (not easy to move). We had our moments together. Please contact me lets see how we can talk.

THE MUSIC OF AMERICA!

You know what NPR has too much of? Classical music and JAZZ. As excellent comedian Paul F. Tompkins puts it, jazz is "a genre of music that is defying you to like it". I like some jazz, and of course there's no denying the jazz hands. I just don't like the "experimental" stuff where the hepcats squinky-squonk around, sometimes going reallyfast and then stopping. If I wanted to hear funny-sounding, atonal music I would do a bunch of nitrous and play the bagpipes. That actually sounds pretty fun.

The one NPR music show I can't get enough of is on KUNR on Wednesday nights from 7 to 9. That's right, I'm talking about MUSIC OF AMERICA with Bob Carroll. It's all music from the 1930s-1950s--the kind of songs you would have heard if you went to some swanky casino show at the Algiers in Vegas, or if you were at a USO dance during the war. All sentimental and cheeseball and lovely, with some Broadway mixed in, and an occasional dash of Bacharach. With the exception of the marriage of Will Arnett and Amy Poehler, it's the only thing that makes me believe True Love might be a real thing. It kind of makes me wish I were in love. Only it specifically makes me wish I were 80 years old and in love, dancing gracefully with my old ear-trumpet-carrying husband to "Young at Heart". I might need a better fantasy life.

I call giant foam head Mark Twain!

I drove through Virginia City (and Gold Hill, and Silver City) today. These remnants of the Comstock boom comprise one of the greatest places on earth, in my opinion. Let me walk you through this. All the buildings are cool old buildings, or else super-crappy new buildings sort of half-assedly made to look "old" (TV old). There are multiple fudgeries, drinkeries, and crip-a-crapperies. OK, it's a tourist trap. But who among us would not love to be ensnared in such a deliciously ridiculous, sticky Victorian trappe? The answer is none!

What's really great about Virginia City is the people who actually live there. They're either a) archaeologists; b) actual modern-day miners; or c) 24-hour old-timey reenactors. Obviously, the third group is the best. I love that there are people who love the 19th century so much that they effectively live their whole lives in it. 21st century be damned! There are fellows with suspenders and giant beards, and ladies wearing chaps with fringe--even a prospector fellow who wanders about with his stubborn burro (he had to replace it last year when it died). The only thing that could make Virginia City better would be if all the residents were like characters at Disneyland and walked around with huge foam heads that are just giant versions of their real heads. Let's see what we can do to make that a reality.

Thee Inaugural Post!

Extry extry! As of tonight, I am once again a Reno resident, at least temporarily. I'm going to bloooog about Reno now and then, and maybe it'll help me decide whether to move back here for realsies.

Impressions of Reno on this, my first day back: eh.